Does it get easier with time?

There is this outdated belief that grief gets easier with time. That it fades.

The truth is grief still catches me off guard, it doesn't take much.
A photo, a thought, an innocent comment made and I am transported back to a world of you.
It is amazing how our brains, our memories work, how I can be here in the present but longing for what my brain remembers of you.

Regret is the worst though. Why do our memories get tainted with regret?
Our beautiful, fragile memories... And I wish had made more of them, wish I had let you know I was there for you more, wish I could have stopped your battle against yourself.
I wish.

Time slips away, and I wonder does it get easier?
I think there are days when I find you are not consuming my mind as much. But the weight of grief, the helplessness, the scars, do not get smaller, if anything I sometimes find them a bigger presence in my life than ever before.
I try to be honest with myself about the pain. Because to bury it would crush me even more so.

The biggest blessing out of tragedy is connection. I feel undeniably connected to those who have gone through pain. I know what it to be victim to what is beyond your control, and finding others in those similar emotions and genuinely saying "I understand" is something I never expected. It has allowed me deep rooted friendships with inspiring people, it has allowed me space to grieve with people who want nothing but to be understood, it has given me a deeper understanding of how much we need peace. And how I long for it. 

Every day is a step closer, every day I remind myself of all the good I have, of all the beautiful people i have in my life, of the loving father I serve. Words often escape me, it's hard to convey, but we have someone looking out for us who is "greater than our hearts" and I know he understands. 

" 'For I well know the thoughts that I am thinking toward you declares Jehovah, 'thoughts of peace, not of calamity, to give you a future and a hope.' " - Jeremiah 29:11


Thank you for reading my ramblings. 

Beth xxx

I Try - Macy Gray/Evie Clair Chords & Cover

I did a cover of this lovely song on my youtube and was asked to share the chords i used for my cover...

D                   A
Games changes and fears
               Em                           G
When will they go from here? When will they stop?
                D                   A
I believe that fate has brought us here
                   Em                  G
And we should be together babe, but we're not

G (I plucked the 2,4 +5 strings)  F#m7 (bottom 3 string held on 2nd fret and play bottom 4 strings)
I play it off but I'm dreaming of you

G (I plucked the 2,4 +5 strings)  A
I keep my cool but I'm feeling

[Chorus]

                D
I try to say goodbye and I choke
              A
I try to walk away and I stumble
                 Em
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
            G                       A
My world crumbles when you are not near
   D
Goodbye and I choke 
            A
Try to walk away and I stumble
                 Em
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
            G                     A
My world crumbles when you are not near


[Verse 2]

D                   A
I may appear to be free
                  Em            G
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
                  D                         A
And I may seem alright and smile when you leave
                   Em                  G
But my smiles are just a front, just a front

G (I plucked the 2,4 +5 strings)  F#m7 (bottom 3 string held on 2nd fret and play bottom 4 strings)
I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
G (I plucked the 2,4 +5 strings)  A
I keep my cool but I'm feeling
[Chorus]

                D
I try to say goodbye and I choke
              A
I try to walk away and I stumble
                 Em
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
            G                       A
My world crumbles when you are not near
   D
Goodbye and I choke 
            A
Try to walk away and I stumble
                 Em
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
            G                     A
My world crumbles when you are not near

My Cover...

Much love, Beth xxx

Poldark - How the tide rushes in - Demelza's song lyrics and cover

How the tide rushes in Lyrics

How the tide rushes in 
and covers footprints in the sand 
As my hopes here raised and carried out of my hands

How the tides ebb and flow
as driftwood tossed upon the shore 
and my heart's cast aside and lost evermore

Yet though the ocean with waves unending 
Covers the earth yet is there loss after all?
For what air drifts from one place is with the tide to another brought
And is not lost beyond recall which cannot be found if sought



My cover of the song:

Hope you enjoy! Beth xxx

Silent Grief.

A little over 2 years ago, My heart broke and nobody truly knew how that felt. 
My beautiful friend, My Max, was no longer in this world. 

The person i'd come to know, was no longer there. I wouldn't see him anymore. No messages from him would appear on my phone. No goodbyes would ever be said. 

For a long time, i didn't know how to feel. There was a void... A slight uncertainty that at any moment, more precious people would be taken from my life. 

For a long time, i pushed it away. Feeling like he might reappear and people had been wrong. That way, i wouldn't have to process what had happened. 

For me, there was no goodbye, no funeral, no comforting his loved ones, no reaching out to friends in a time of need. Circumstances at that time were very very cruel to me, and although i knew i had loved ones around me, i felt very alone in the world. 

Looking back, i would've handled it differently, but that's the thing about time. Things seem so much clearer when you look back on them. 

They still haven't found my dear friend, and at this stage, probably never will. That fact alone used to bring me to tears. But nowadays, that fact represents trust for me. Trust in Jehovah and true belief that he is in his memory... and that is enough. 

I've come to learn that grief is as individual as a fingerprint.

Take the time you need. 

Think what you need to or don't think at all.

Use the memories, the precious moments you'll only know about, and keep them close to your heart. Allow them to just be, to be a part of you and motivate you to keep on making more moments in your life that you will look back on. 

I still feel that void, but I'm grateful for the precious time i had with my friend. 

When small things become a big deal...

Sometimes, maybe i should say often, small things can become a big deal. 

I think there are many reasons behind this, procrastination being a crucial point to pick up on, but putting that aside, i think it is a result of having an illness. 

If you have a long term illness or are dealing with chronic pain, 
we can all agree that there is a certain amount of baggage that can come with that. Feelings of extreme exhaustion, never ending fatigue, anxiety about the future, social anxiety, stress, brain fog... I feel like that list could go on for another paragraph. 

But with this baggage, suddenly the very small, everyday things become giant steps that we have to climb up. Take, for example, the simple task of painting a wall. Ok, maybe that's not the simplest of tasks, but something attainable for the everyday person. They set aside a day, buy the paint, move the furniture away from the wall, cover it and have a go at painting the wall (hopefully having done some sort of research beforehand). 

Put that in the context of someone with a chronic condition. Maybe the thought of deciding on a paint is too much because there are too many options, maybe they don't physically know how they could stand all day, maybe going to the store to buy the paint will be enough to make them spend the rest of the day in bed. Maybe it all feels too much. 

I'm just using that as an example that's attainable for someone who has never had to process the limitations of someone with a chronic condition. 

It could be something as simple as sending an email. My fellow spoonies, will get and fully understand the phrase 'Brain fog'. But recently i had a case of brain fog and i thought i'd put off sending this email as i wanted to think it through and phrase it right. Well, days turned into weeks as brain fog then turned into anxiety as i still hadn't sent the email. 
Small thing + Consequences of chronic conditions = Big deal!

I wanted to let you know, if you've ever felt this way, I get you! So many of us are going through the same emotions and trying to battle through everyday tasks. 
Recently i've taken to writing a list of "things i really hate but i have to do"...trying to get a couple of these done in a week or month, whatever you can do, helps to contribute to a feeling of accomplishment. 

You got this! Or if you don't.... that's ok, one step at a time.

Love to all the spoonie community, Beth xxx

Saying Goodbye...

I wrote this a few months back and as the days are flying by, i feel like it's right to share this...

It never feels right to say goodbye.

Maybe that’s why i keep putting it off.

The timing isn’t right. The feelings are too hard to address. Any way of commemorating you isn’t worthy enough.
 You see, you are too special. 

Too much of everything to just let go of.
 And that’s the problem. I. Can’t. Let. Go. 

I just can’t. 

but maybe thats ok.
 Maybe i have to find a way to let it be. 

To get by day to day and let little things remind me of you. 

Maybe that’s the way i deal with it. Not to “get over it” but to carry you.
To carry what precious little i have of you with me. 

Maybe i don’t need a day for you, or a commemoration to remember you. Maybe that’s the only way i’ll cope. 

Because having to physically mark that you are gone, is to let my world crash down. 

And i’m not ready for that. Not ready to say goodbye. 

So this isn’t goodbye. It’s I miss you. But i’ll remember you. Always.