The truth is grief still catches me off guard, it doesn't take much.
A photo, a thought, an innocent comment made and I am transported back to a world of you.
It is amazing how our brains, our memories work, how I can be here in the present but longing for what my brain remembers of you.
Regret is the worst though. Why do our memories get tainted with regret?
Our beautiful, fragile memories... And I wish had made more of them, wish I had let you know I was there for you more, wish I could have stopped your battle against yourself.
I wish.
Time slips away, and I wonder does it get easier?
I think there are days when I find you are not consuming my mind as much. But the weight of grief, the helplessness, the scars, do not get smaller, if anything I sometimes find them a bigger presence in my life than ever before.
I try to be honest with myself about the pain. Because to bury it would crush me even more so.
The biggest blessing out of tragedy is connection. I feel undeniably connected to those who have gone through pain. I know what it to be victim to what is beyond your control, and finding others in those similar emotions and genuinely saying "I understand" is something I never expected. It has allowed me deep rooted friendships with inspiring people, it has allowed me space to grieve with people who want nothing but to be understood, it has given me a deeper understanding of how much we need peace. And how I long for it.
Every day is a step closer, every day I remind myself of all the good I have, of all the beautiful people i have in my life, of the loving father I serve. Words often escape me, it's hard to convey, but we have someone looking out for us who is "greater than our hearts" and I know he understands.
" 'For I well know the thoughts that I am thinking toward you declares Jehovah, 'thoughts of peace, not of calamity, to give you a future and a hope.' " - Jeremiah 29:11
Thank you for reading my ramblings.
Beth xxx