Hence, i look backwards, metaphorically speaking, at my life. A LOT. However, a problem arises when you have this trait, you always seem to sugar-coat the past. Making it seem much more glorious than it was.
It was this problem that faced me recently. I had found myself picking up on all the things in my life that currently I'm not happy with and comparing it with the past. But this kind of attitude can be extremely damaging. It can lead to a life where you're constantly chasing an ideal where all the motions in your life are running correctly all at the same time. When the reality is, there's always an area in our lives that we need to give attention to.
My most recent battle with myself has to do with spending more time with family and friends. I always seem to either be too tired or not have enough time to properly spend time with the people i love like i used to. For a good month there, i was beating myself up about this and getting nowhere. When one day i picked up my diary and riffled back to this time last year. My diary entries, although not frequent are all centred around my health and how miserable i felt. This time last year i was struggling big time with anxiety, spending most days in bed and struggling physically. It was reading this that made me realise just how quickly we can forget what our lives used to be like.
I would pick the life that i am living right now over all of those diary entries. And yes, in the past, i may have had more time for the people i cherish, but in no way was i content or living a full life. I have a lot more going on these days. I actually have a schedule that i do my best to keep to. I volunteer quite a few hours a month, i run my business (and i actually have scheduled work days in the week - eep!), I have begun translating sign language again, I've been practicing guitar again, I'm hopefully back on more consistent schedule with blogging and Youtube - and i wonder why I'm tired?
My life is more intense than it used to be. I still have to take plenty of days off, as it's all about managing my health and pain levels. But i've never felt contentment like this in my life, that is a point i will treasure - and i hope it lasts!
As always much love, Beth xxx
